Self care tip #5: Being self-ish during the grieving process
Death is a complicated thing and there really isn’t anything great I can say about it. I myself have dealt with more death than most should by 22 years old. Not really sure if there is a statistic on that one but I think I am okay without knowing. Anywho, I won’t get too into it but long story short I flew back home on May 17th and went straight from the airport to see my grandma who had been in hospice for some time now. She has been extremely ill for quite a while and has suffered from lung cancer that metastasized to the brain. The last time I spoke to her was on Facetime a week before my graduation. She was able to talk to me and congratulate me. When I saw her the day I got home, I could tell she could recognize me and she was able to attempt a “hi”, but other than that she was completely unable to speak, drink water, or eat. Things had progressed quickly and there was not much hope for recovery. The following day she passed away. I went to see her around 4pm, walked into the room and within minutes she was gone. It was almost as if she waited.
I didn’t tell this story to make anyone sad or hope that you’d feel bad for me. I tell you this because as much as we hope and pray to never go through anything like this, it is inevitable. There is nothing anyone can say to help you prepare to go through anything like this, but I'd like to believe that hearing about the grieving process and how it affects people, might make you more empathetic toward others who are going through it. Or god forbid you ever do, you might have a better understanding of how to work through the process. Of course, I am not an expert by any means (not sure if there is such a thing, and if there is then I really don’t think I’d want enough experience to be awarded that title), so take from this whatever you want. These are just my thoughts and experiences going through something like this.
First of all, there is something called the 5 stages of grief, it is a real thing.
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
They might not move fluidly in this order but they are all part of the process. Some you might feel more deeply than others or for longer amounts of time. These are all emotions that are completely understandable and reasonable during this time. You are allowed to feel angry, sad, happy, confused, etc. And you should never feel wrong for going through these emotions. Clearly, this is not just a simple process and unfortunately, you don’t get to choose how quickly you move through it. There are things that can help you during this time though.
One of the most effective things is support. Having a strong support system is crucial. Having someone that you know you can depend on makes the world of a difference. But this can be tricky. You would hope that your people would be there for you, but “being there for someone” might look completely different from what you think it is. For example, having gone through my (not so fair) fair share of passings, and knowing how painful it is, I personally would do damn near anything for someone I love if they had to go through it. I would hop on a damn plane in a heartbeat if it really came to that. If not that I would do everything I could to make it known that I am fully there for them in any which way they need. That being said, people grieve differently; Some people need time and space others need the exact opposite. This time around I was just really going through it; My grandma passing, just having moved home, sad about graduating and leaving school and relationships, etc. I was just a mess. I really needed support. But you have to remember, people can't read minds (as cool or fucked as that would be). First of all some people might not even be aware that you had lost someone and even if they are aware they aren’t able to magically know the extent of how you are feeling. Im not going to lie, as uncomfortable as it may be, if you are really in need of support, you need to ask for it. Make it known. This doesn’t make you needy or dramatic, this makes you strong. It would be wrong of you to expect someone to treat you a certain way if they have no idea how you are feeling. You need to just come out and be honest. “hey I am really not doing too great, I could really use some support”. As easy as that. And if you are still feeling needy by doing this, think of it this way; If someone you loved was hurting and needed support, would you want them to come to you? Would you think of them as being needy or would you feel more so honored that you were the person they chose to come to?
Here are some ways you can be there for someone going through a loss
Be with them physically
Call them and either listen if they just need an ear, or make other conversation to keep them occupied
Send a thoughtful card
Send Flowers
Something as simple as a text throughout the day just letting them know you are thinking of them and are there if they need anything
A simple funny joke
Offer to buy their family a meal
None of this is time-consuming. I legitimately timed myself and it took me less than 10 seconds to open my phone, find someone's contact and type “Hi I just wanted to let you know I am thinking about you and hope you have a good day”. 10 seconds people. And if you are somehow a slower typer than me then tack on an extra 5-10 seconds. 20 seconds people. There are 86,400 seconds in one day. That leaves you with a few seconds to do whatever you want with the rest of your day… I can confidently say that those 10-20 seconds of your time can completely change someone's day for the better. You hold a lot of power so use it wisely. And to be honest, if someone is incapable of doing just that then 1. That's really unfortunate and sad on their part and 2. Maybe try to look towards someone else for support moving forward.
Something to keep in mind during this, is just as you might not know how to navigate mourning, the people in your life might also not know how exactly to be there for someone mourning. As I said before, of course, you would hope that your people would naturally be there for you in any which way they can, but your expectation of this might heavily differ from the reality. Some people may have gone through a passing and have a little bit more insight on what it feels like and the need for support. These people might naturally be more capable of fitting your support needs. Whereas there might be people who have luckily never experienced this sort of situation. These people might not have as much of an idea of how to be there for someone. I mean you can’t blame them for that. Not knowing how to navigate that really isn’t all that uncommon. Do you call right away? Do you give them space? Do you send a simple text? Or a long thoughtful one? Do you bring it up or try to talk about anything but the situation? These are all fair questions when you do not want to upset the person further. That being said if you are trying to be there for someone it doesn’t hurt to ask them how you can be of support during this time. That way you know exactly what you can do, instead of doing the wrong thing or nothing at all.
If you are the person going through the loss it might be upsetting when you are not supported in the way you had hoped you would be. This is totally understandable. You are clearly already going through enough, you don’t want the added stress and sadness of not feeling supported. But at the end of the day if you made your needs known to those in your life, if they still do not step up to the plate or step up as much as you had hoped, there really is nothing you can do about it. They knew how you were feeling and what you needed during that time. At that point, you either need to accept the support in the way they are able to give, or you need to fully look for someone else for that support. You can not force someone to be there for you. Again, some people just aren’t as used to these sorts of situations. I know it may be difficult, but instead of dwelling on those who haven’t fully stepped up to the plate, appreciate those who have. It will surprise you who really ends up reaching out or not.
It may not feel like it, but trust me, you are strong and will get through it.
